WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Have you found walking across campus different this December? Though the leaves have fallen, the sun still shines bright above. Students still prance about campus with exposed arms, wrapping discarded sweaters around their waists. And it’s not just the usual suspects, like the men who insist on wearing shorts in 40 degree weather or the Sam Fox students doing anything for the fit. Students have even been spotted on Mudd Field as we approach winter, playing frisbee with friends or pretentiously reading The Stranger on a hammock. Though some attribute this unseasonable warmth to the conspiracy known as “climate change,” we conducted our own investigation and found a cause more sinister.
Mudd Field, the crown jewel of WashU admissions Instagram posts, becomes a barren land during winter months. Analytics from past years have revealed that the pool of diverse friend groups sitting on the grass quickly dwindles beginning in October, and that students become paler, losing their color so quickly that even the most ethnically ambiguous person appears Caucasian. In response to pressure from the “woke” crowd to improve its racial makeup, WashU has announced a Discrimination, Exclusion, and Indoctrination (DEI) initiative to maintain its image. The solution is simple: hot weather = tan students outdoors.
“Global warming was just a scapegoat,” said a SigEp brother. “I mean, last year it was freezing in November and now it’s hot. I get burned easily! DEI has to stop.” The university has not yet addressed the issues of these young, disenfranchised members of WashU society.
WashU College Republicans have come up with a countermeasure. Though the sun may shine brightly, a wind gust that threatens to pick you up like Dorothy’s house is bound to discourage your photosynthesizing tendencies. Member of the College Republicans and Olin student Peter Fitzluben said:
“The Teeny Tiny Tornado™, can chill even the hottest day. Who’s going to bask in sunlight when their Apple ecosystem is getting blown away? Soon we’ll go back to what’s white- I mean right. You’re not quoting me on that, are you? It was just a slip up. Hey, where are you going? Don’t run! IT WAS OFF THE RECORD.”
Despite their best efforts, it may be too late to reverse the impact of DEI Climate Change™. Melanated students can’t peacefully roam campus without being chased by flashing cameras and ogled by progressive campus-touring families. Nothing is sacred anymore, nothing is safe. DEI Daylights Savings™ is next.
