WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Your alarm just went off, and you need a hit of dopamine to start your day. You instinctively open Instagram while hitting your Geek Bar. Instead of your typical morning Minecraft parkour Reddit stories, you are met with a rude awakening in the form of 640 Instagram stories. It is Spotify Wrapped day! To your surprise, everyone seems to be getting into artists so niche they are still working jobs in marketing. Meanwhile, your top five artists are so embarrassing you were hardly able to get out of bed. “Habits” by Tove Lo?? Really? “Congratulations” by Post Malone?? Still? “I Am Your Gummy Bear” by Gumibär?? Okay, that one might be valid, but overall you may be wishing this present stayed wrapped up a little tighter. Well, reader, today is your lucky day because this WUnderguide has seven foolproof ways to explain exactly what happened to your Spotify Wrapped this year.
- You were hacked.
Yes it might seem far-fetched, but it happens to more than 100 million Americans. In fact, 350 million Americans were hacked this year. That is the actual amount Google told me when I looked it up, and I kind of thought there were only 330 million Americans, but I guess people just keep having babies. In any case this is a foolproof way to explain away your 864 hours of Drake. Your hacker was probably just white boy of the month. - You were listening ironically.
Kanye West has certainly made some statements that might make your Spotify Wrapped seem unsalvageable. But when you reassure your friends, family, and most importantly yourself, that you have been banging Vultures 2 out of pure irony you are smooth sailing. SS? Maybe choose a different acronym. - You were babysitting your mom’s coworker’s weird siamese twins.
It was a Wednesday afternoon and Jasmine and Yasmine just wouldn’t stop screaming slavic incantations. In a panic you shuffled your liked songs in hopes that the algorithm could save you, and “Dance Monkey” just lulled them right to sleep. Now your babysitting gig is a whole lot sweeter, as you get to beat levels of Candy Crush so long as “Dance Monkey” plays in the background. Too bad you can’t show anyone your Spotify Wrapped. - You have Apple Music.
Yes, this one might come with some social pain, but anything to hide your true music taste from the world. And frankly, the world needs to hide from whatever you got going on in those headphones. Spooky. - You dropped your phone in the Mississippi River while drunk on the Riverboat Gambling Casino.
No, they must be reading that wrong. You thought my top genre was choral music? It was actually coral music. Salacious the sea snake who loves to jam out on your Spotify. How Salacious got your phone? Well, you took a tumble following your 6th espresso martini while taking in the beautiful views of the Cahokia Mounds. - You lost your phone in a bad bluff you made over a hand of Texas Hold ‘em while drunk on the Riverboat Gambling Casino.
Really? 6, 4 off suit and you thought it was a good time to go all in? You put down all your chips, your phone, your shirt, and naming rights to your first child and of course now you lost. Now you are the shirtless idiot whose Spotify Wrapped says you spent your nights blasting Russian top 50 charts and Ed Sheeran. Good thing you can explain your way out of this one. Too bad you are never getting that shirt back and your daughter’s name is now Edna Sheeran. - You are a misunderstood genius.
Nooooooo, they just don’t get it. “Closer” by The Chainsmokers is postmodern new wave psychedelic pop and a brilliant commentary on consumer culture. My roommate back in Boulder was actually an allegory for the role gender played in manifest destiny. And if that doesn’t make sense to you, you better not even look at the next four songs.
