“I’m Totally Gonna do Acid” says Student for Four Months

With the canceling of on-campus events, in-person classes, and group activities, it’s easy to see why many WashU students are less than thrilled. However, some optimistic students are planning to make the most of this extra free time. One such student is sophomore Sal Aguiar. “Oh yeah, this is the perfect time to do acid,” says Aguiar. 

“When am I gonna do it? Soon, definitely,” said the self-proclaimed hallucinogen expert. “Yeah, I was planning on tripping on Halloween, but then my dealer left for New York. Totally sucked. Then I was gonna do it on this other weekend but my dad came to town. So lame.” 

Aguiar claims to know “tons of people who’ve done psychedelics” (one kid on his freshman floor) and that they’re “just really in the right mindset for it” (just wants to feel something). When asked for comment, Aguiar’s roommate Alexander Jans said of the aspiring Deadhead and Hunter S. Thompson wannabe, “He’s been saying this since September. Every weekend he’ll play his Dark Side of the Moon vinyl in the common room and say some shit like ‘I can’t wait to experience this while I’m tripping.’ Every. Fucking. Weekend.”

After offering Aguiar a tab of acid I happened to have on my person, he said “uh, wait what? I actually have to meet with my management group, I’ve gotta go” and quickly fled the interview.