WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
ST. LOUIS, MO—Washington University Student and proud Chaco wearer Harley Jensen might be the hero this crumbling planet needs.
“Harley works tirelessly to redeem our vice-ridden society,” says a source close to the subject. “From retweeting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to posting snapshots of the Amazon’s burnt husk, she fights to bring justice to the entire human community.”
Jensen, who studies Finance with a pending Anthropology minor, has indeed manned the front line of the crusade for moral integrity. This week alone, the fearless young warrior has donated $35 to Planned Parenthood fundraisers on Facebook, posted two I.C.E warnings to her Instagram story, and shared an Amazon Prime link to reusable straws with those on her Close Friends list. When pressed, Jensen, who spent the summer after high school teaching volleyball to third-world invalids, added that she “tries to limit her meat intake” and “feel[s] a deep connectedness” with the writings of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
“The WashU community is at risk of becoming complacent in its privilege,” she observes, “But we cannot be bystanders during such a turbulent time; we need to take radical action towards meaningful and lasting change. That’s why I tweeted about Palantir that one time. That’s why I watched the debates. And that’s why I follow The Wing on Instagram. Someday, I want my grandchildren to know that I did everything I could to end injustice.”
In an epoch of moral embattlement, Jensen spearheads the youth movement towards a safer and brighter future. At press time, she was seen in a Google Interns 2019 snapback explaining the Endangered Species Act to a group of First Years in the DUC Fun Room. Jensen has since accepted a postgrad position at Shell, where she hopes to wear more Reformation.
