WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In a surprising statement, the Washington University Director of Technology announced that Fall Break defied all typical trends with a massive spike in Internet usage. The statement theorized that since the four-day weekend allowed many students to leave St. Louis, many roommates were freed of the restrictions of a shared living environment.
“Contrary to the standard expectations of decreased Internet usage over academic breaks, students appear to have really gotten their money’s worth this year,” the statement said, reaffirming that WUSTL-2.0 had both the bandwidth and the protection to handle the widespread loneliness on the South 40. Officials at the school had hoped those remaining on campus would have taken advantage of decreased crowds in common spaces to get fresh air and meet new people. Instead, it appears that many took the opportunity to rediscover themselves.
In select cases, the technology department will be rescinding IP access and issuing warnings citing an increased security concern across all connected devices.
Student Health Services recommended in a subsequent statement that freshmen “sanitize their rooms” upon returning to campus and that sophomores in suites “consider Scotchgard or some similar product” for shared couches and spaces going forward. When approached at your dorm for comment, your roommate was heard frantically zipping up their pants and slamming their laptop shut before answering the door.
