John Delaney Starting to Think He Might Not Win This Thing

It is now being reported that presidential hopeful John Delaney has started to think that he just might not win this thing. Sources close to the unremarkable moderate candidate have noticed a recent dip in his unwarranted confidence.

“Honestly, we’re surprised that it took him so long,” said Alexander “Xan” Fishman, Delaney’s campaign manager. “Most people jumped ship after our Wikipedia article was changed to say that John was killed by Elizabeth Warren during the second debate. I know because I’m the one who changed it.”

As if to prove the point, Xan Fishman’s voice echoed in the otherwise empty campaign headquarters. Beyond rows of abandoned desks sat stacks of undistributed pamphlets and yard signs, relics of a bygone era for the Delaney campaign.

“John actually came in the other day and asked where everyone was. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, so I just said that they were all out for lunch. He said to keep up the good work, but I think some part of him knew what was going on. He’s really lost that misguided Delaney optimism that made me think I could milk this job until the primary results came in.”

Midway through the interview, John Delaney entered the otherwise vacant office. He nodded, asked if we were “working hard or hardly working?,” but his heart barely seemed to be in it. He invited us to have some of his turkey sandwich and listen to Bruce Springsteen in his office, but it was clear that the altogether doomed candidate would rather be alone.

“His refusal to face reality and drop out of the race is getting frustrating. I was hoping that we’d get this whole thing shut down in time for Halloween and turn this place into a haunted house,” remarked Xan Fishman. “Nothing says terrifying like lukewarm liberalism and lost hopes and dreams.”