WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Pulling his face from the caked mud of a drainage ditch two doors down from his off-campus apartment, junior Justin Navarro told reporters that he definitely remembers making it to fall WILD this year. “Oh yeah, I was totally there,” Navarro said, picking pebbles out of his hair and tripping over empty cans of Milwaukee’s Best as he scanned his surroundings for either one of his sneakers. “It’s all coming back to me now,” he added.
“I didn’t go for the band though; just the free beer,” Navarro laughed, starting the walk home and dragging behind him what increasingly appeared to be a broken leg. “Lukas Graham is so lame, great choice again SPB,” he continued, referencing the band he was 100% sure he remembered being disappointed by hours earlier.
Navarro’s roommates Craig and Mikey were quick to corroborate his story. “WILD? Yeah, WILD was crazy, I definitely remember it,” said Craig, sitting on the couch, guzzling a family-size bottle of Pedialyte as Mikey confirmed with a limp thumbs up from his position slumped over the dinner table. The pair’s third roommate, Derek “Big-Meat” Henderson was not available for comment, although Craig was “almost positive [he] saw Big-Meat try and fight a B&D dude.” When asked about this confrontation, B&D head of security Joe Vittorio laughed slightly and said, “Obviously I remember the incident, and obviously I remember taking the proper steps to address it,” as he kicked an empty bottle of Honey-Jack deeper beneath his desk.
After arriving home and spending twenty minutes attempting to get his key into the lock, Navarro collapsed into his front hall and boldly declared fall WILD to be a “great success” which “I without a doubt remember all of.” Lifting his head up briefly from the floor he added, “I honestly can’t believe there are some lightweights who black-out and don’t remember something like that,” before being cut-off by his need to vomit in the pocket of a nearby hoodie.
