Lessons in Confidence: How to Put Yourself First

The word “self-care” gets thrown around a lot these days. I mean, everybody needs a break from trying to please others. But sometimes it’s hard to stand up for yourself. Trust me, I know. Drawing boundaries and showing basic human compassion are never fun. Do you want to put yourself first, but can’t overcome your social anxiety and strong moral compass? Don’t fret! Here’s a short guide on how to stand up straight, boost your confidence, and put yourself first. 

  1. Don’t take no for an answer. When you don’t get your way, try even harder. You might inconvenience others, but at least you’ll be satisfied! Take Eve for example. An unforgettable character from the best-selling novel, “The Bible.” Here we have a proud and intelligent woman standing up to her weak-willed husband, even staring God right in the face. How bold! When she bites into that forbidden fruit, she’s saying, “No thank you, I’ll do whatever the hell I want.” And for what? To be tarred with the crime of “original sin”? No, I think Eve is a lesson in saying “no” to the word no! Truly an example for us all to follow. 
  2. Interrupt others. Have you ever been in a social setting where you weren’t the center of attention? It really sucks! Just know that it’s not your fault. Some people might not understand that you’re the most precious thing on planet Earth. So, next time this happens, try interrupting them in the middle of a really interesting story or a discussion of women’s rights. Not only will you win their attention, but you’ll show that your input is extremely valuable.
  3. Pick fights. If nobody’s taking you seriously, forget words! Roll up those sleeves and start throwing some punches! This one works like a charm, especially when you’re facing someone much shorter and weaker than you. When they’re lying unconscious on the floor, that’s when you know you’re right. Pro tip: if you lack physical strength, you can also carry a sharp object on your person to inflict more damage. Happy bludgeoning!
  4. Stand on your tippy-toes. When I was young, I was pretty short. It was my biggest insecurity. People weren’t too kind about it, either. “How’s the weather down there?” they would jeer. “Stop picking your nose Conrad, that’s really gross,” said the teachers, most likely because of my short stature. I never let the bullies get me down, though. I would just lift my heels up and shift onto my toes, and all of a sudden I was Godzilla, towering over everyone. Rawrrr!
  5. Get your mom to back you up. Mother knows best, as they say, and nobody talks back when she’s angry! Start by telling her why you’re upset. Hold her hand, ask her how her day was. Once you’ve connected with her emotionally, she’ll be more sympathetic to your roiling rage. Now, go door-to-door, repeating this step with all the moms in your neighborhood until you’ve gathered a matronly militia. Station them at a garrison, and once night falls, engage them in guerrilla warfare. Encourage vicious tactics and foul play, and before you know it, the unjust regime will fall.

Bravo, champ! You made it to the end! You’re well on your way to becoming a confident person. Now nobody will dare treat you like anything but royalty. Though, after following these steps, you might find yourself questioning your morals. Even worse, you might find yourself completely isolated from people who love you and care about you. That’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Ha, who am I kidding! Who needs friends? You’re you! The center of the universe and God’s gift to mankind! So live it up, your majesty, and while you’re at it, tie my shoe, you worthless little rodent.