WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Responding to concern about fires near its nuclear waste dumps north of St. Louis, Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals assured citizens that the possible release of airborne radiation would actually have positive health effects, like giving everyone superpowers. The fires, which have been burning for nearly five years, have been getting closer and closer to the nearly 9,000 tons of nuclear waste dumped by the company in 1973.
“Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, and he got cool superpowers!” the company explained in a press release. “Instead of being bitten by a spider, we’ll all inhale radioactive air, which has got to be way more potent. Just imagine the possibilities!”
Undercutting the optimistic tone of the previous comments, the press release also included a disclaimer indemnifying the Mallinckrodt company for any ill effects of the radiation. The document advised medical attention for anyone experiencing super strength or the capability for flight lasting longer than four hours.
Though the company knowingly and illegally dumped dangerous nuclear waste in the vicinity of millions of citizens, Mallinckrodt CEO Benjamin Shaw reminded St. Louis citizens that his company has their best interests in mind. When citizens collectively encouraged Shaw to perform anal intercourse with himself, the executive urged St. Louisans to embrace the radiation rather than fight it.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping for mind-control or x-ray vision,” said Shaw. “This city’s been through a lot recently, and I think that radiation-induced superpowers could bring us closer to solving some of St. Louis’s problems. Plus, we don’t really have the capital to fight a legal battle if this radiation does result in cancer-related deaths, so I implore everyone to take advantage of this situation! ”
Mallinckrodt recently began a PR campaign to improve public perception of the situation, hiring homeless people to hand out pamphlets to drivers and wish them a “super” day. At press time, Mallinckrodt employees were seen fanning the flames toward the nuclear waste deposits in the hopes that they would turn invisible sooner.
