WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Gak prices fell below $2.00 per gallon across most of the country last weekend, sending consumers rushing to load up on the oozy, green substance. The price drop comes as slime futures trade below $30 a barrel for the first time in more than a decade, driven down by an oversupply of the substance that is commonly refined into gak and other products.
Speculators blame the crash on increased exports from the Middle Eastern country of Nickelodestan, which has flooded the market with slime in ways not seen since the leadup to the Double Dare Wars of 1992. Republican Party leaders warn that further destabilization in the region could lead to a “super sloppy” scenario for the world economy.
Analysts are also pointing fingers at China, saying that an economic slowdown there is responsible for the decrease in gak speculation worldwide.
“Businesses and consumers tend to be more bearish on slime when there’s instability in the market,” said Dr. Daniel Tamberelli, an economics professor at Columbia University. “Will I still be able to pour slime on a celebrity’s head when they say a predetermined secret word? Will there still be giant noses full of slime for me to pull an orange flag out of? What will BMX star Mat Hoffman land in the next time he jumps his bike out of a plane during an awards show? These are the things people worry about.”
Tamberelli also warned that there could be negative environmental effects of the slime slowdown. Low gak prices tend to stunt investment in more sustainable technologies like Silly Putty and Flubber. Also, said Tamberelli, slime is really difficult to get out of your hair.
At press time, slime prices had fallen 23 percent since the start of trading. However, Floam futures were up 18 percent.
