New Summer Reading Announced

Our administrative sources are reporting that the class of 2026’s summer reading program will be Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra. An ostensibly controversial choice, the decision aligns with WashU’s commitment to teach people things they will never get the opportunity to use. Many students expressed eagerness to learn more about sensuality, tragically unaware that it will be years before it helps them in anything but critical analysis of the snippet of porn they hear when their roommate connects to the Bluetooth speaker. 

Our source, who preferred to remain anonymous until they finish reading it themselves, elaborated that “WashU aims to foster an environment of lifelong learners in the Humanities- and what could be more human than knowing someone biblically, carnally?” 

Gone are the days of thought-provoking, interdisciplinary novels that arrive at Hitzeman two days after the scheduled discussion–the Kama Sutra will ensure that everything (and everyone) comes right on time. 

The Common Reading Program package will also include a banana-flavored condom and an at-home STD test, both of which are expected to remain unused. (Until one fateful eve junior year, when a poor bastard member of the class of 2026 becomes, at last, privy to the lascivious delights of the female form, and, frantically flipping through his threadbare leather wallet, rediscovers this cursed neon-yellow rubber. With fervor, he’ll attempt to finesse the sticky sleeve on before his nerves travel south and cease the long-awaited coitus, but, due to a devilish combination of his partner’s distaste for artificial banana flavoring and his until-presently-undiscovered-latex allergy, our Odyssean hero be rendered unable to boast the fact that he, after all, actually did the summer reading freshman year.) 

Due to the up-close-and-personal nature of the text, the University is planning to lift COVID restrictions for the group discussions, and students are recommended to stretch their minds and their bodies before attending.