WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Besmirching the sacred covenant of the bro code, wussy-ass TSA Officer Richard Thurmond refused to drop to one knee and chug when presented with a Smirnoff Ice at Lambert Airport on Monday morning. The Ice, which Officer Thurmond discovered during a routine body cavity search, was hidden deep within the rectum of American Airlines passenger Chip Brixton.
“Those TSA guys always have sticks up their asses,” explained Brixton, attempting to free his hands from the ziptie Officer Thurmond used to restrain them, “so I thought I could relieve some tension by putting an Ice up mine.”
“Didn’t work out so great,” Brixton continued.
Brixton first drew the attention of Officer Thurmond when he set off the airport’s metal detector as he passed through security. Subsequently taken aside for a full-body pat down, Brixton escalated the situation by placing his index finger and thumb in the shape of a circle, and issuing a closed-fist blow to Thurmond’s shoulder when the officer noticed it.
“Actually, it wouldn’t have been a big deal if the bottle was under three ounces,” said Thurmond, having thoroughly washed his hands after the event, “it says that in the Passenger’s Bill of Rights. But TSA procedure says that we’re not allowed to drink anything larger than that on the job. The kid’s continued screaming of ‘drink it, you little pussy’ and ‘if you bitch out, the terrorists win’ was only going to make things worse.”
Homeland Security forces called to the scene also found two more Smirnoff Ices taped to Brixton’s inner thighs.
“Once we were sure the call was about ices and not ISIS, we were able to defuse things pretty quickly,” said Homeland Security Officer Michelle Davis, who responded to the situation. “To be fair to Thurmond, they were peach flavored Ices. That’s practically a violation of the Geneva Conventions.”
