WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
It’s an awkward conversation nobody wants to have…. no, not the sex talk. Not how much you wish your grandpa’s girlfriend would clean her dishes. Not meekly asking Chancellor Martin to divest from fossil fuels.
You must talk to your friends about how you plan to stay in touch post-graduation. The impending fear of starting over in a new city where you don’t know anybody can be ameliorated by maintaining existing connections you had made at WashU.
This conversation isn’t just for seniors. In fact, it’s never too early to bring it up. I think it might be an even more important conversation to have with your freshman year bestie; statistically, you will have a falling out. Having a conversation about how much resentment you would hold (how much you would think about them, review the relationship in your mind) post-graduation would be a good way to set healthy boundaries. Don’t feel bad; you’re just a realist.
In this paper, I define “best” as the communication method which boasts the most frequent communication and yields the strongest relationship between two subjects. Obviously, the best way to stay in touch is to physically touch. But this isn’t always possible due to differences in career trajectories and vaccination statuses. Also, it could be a little too exciting.
The next best communication method is to become their wealth manager. Not the kind that is an actual corporate job. You would just be in charge of managing their money for free. Why would this be the second “best” (and most realistic) communication method, you say? Think about it: they will have to beg you for money with every transaction. This will ensure that you frequently interact and remain close. Plus, you will gain intimate knowledge over private aspects of their life and will be able to destroy your friend in the case that he/she wrongs you. (Again, just being real.)
You have heard the following sayings: (1) Money is power, and (2) knowledge is power. If you desire the power to maintain WashU relationships after getting your diploma, it’s clear what you must do now. Sit your friends down and tell them that you want to help them with their finances.
Remind them that you know the stocks and they don’t. If they resist, interrogate them about what happened with GameStop and laugh haughtily at their feeble, pathetic answer. Omit the fact that you have no plans to invest their money. Also feel free to omit that you will decide via Magic Eight Ball whether you fulfil their request for each transaction. (By the way, what did my Magic Eight Ball have to say about this theory? “It is decidedly so.”)
For the seniors out there, especially, time is running short. You only have a few more months to lock in your friendships for life. Right now, your friends are probably volunteering at a vaccination center in order to get extras at the end of the day. That’ll give you hours to prepare for their return, upon which you can begin a healthy conversation about staying in touch.
