Op-ed: That’s It, Liberals

That’s it, liberals. I’ve simply had enough. You’ve crossed the line. I am indignant. You’ve always been pushing it with your politics….everyday I’ve had to hear this and that about you and your “progressivism,” but I just won’t stand for it anymore. I am simply furious. I am writing this, because I can no longer tolerate such extremism. Not in this decade.

So, if you do not, in the Oxford English Dictionary, change the official spelling of the word “phrog” back to its original “frog,” I will make sure, on my mother’s grave, or rather, hospital bed where, currently, in a state of insensate delirium the flame of her life burns away inside her own corpse…I swear on my mother, who I have not spoken to in five years since Thanksgiving when she called my wife a “loose Hollywood whore,” a label which does not apply to my kind, loyal, beautiful wife, and which she probably verbalized only out of an ill-will towards her political standing, for my wife is moderately conservative and my mother a long lived progressive.

And to defend her worldview, my wife believes in a high military budget for the sake of national defense, is pro-life for the sake of her religious devotions, and I am definitely not a cuckold. My wife is dedicated to maintaining the passion of our blessed monogamy. My wife did not sleep with Bruce Willis at the fifth year anniversary party for Die Hard. There is as little sense to such an assertion by my mother as there is to the changing of the spelling of the word “frog” to “phrog.”

So in the name of my mother (I think), if you liberals don’t restrain your audacious impulses to pervert the English language into a jumble of meme-related gutterisms, I will bring a surely unprejudiced form of conservative justice down upon you.

Thank You.