WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004

October, 2016

• 27 October

  Unfazed by Debate Rejection, Johnson Forges Ahead in Campaign

  

  As the University prepares itself for the upcoming presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, an increased sense of excitement can be felt throughout campus. Less excited, however, is Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson, who failed to gain the 15% support in national polls needed to be invited to ...
• 27 October

  Freshman Haunted by Demon Stupidly More Worried about Making Friends

  

  Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...
• 27 October

  Citing Lack of Diversity, Physics Department Grants Tenure to Freshman Who Withdrew from Class

  

  As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became ...
• 25 October

  EST Warns Supply of Kissies May Not be Enough to Combat South 40 Boo-Boo Outbreak

  

  Noting a disturbing rise in the number of boo-boo diagnoses made by SHS this month, EST officials warned that the group may not have a large enough supply of kissies to treat the growing outbreak among students. While September is known as peak season for ouchies and oopsies as new ...

April, 2016

• 29 April

  Tour Guide Almost Manages to Assure Prospective Student’s Mother Campus is Perfectly Safe Without Laughing

  

  Tuesday morning, while walking backwards past the Women’s Building, volunteer tour guide Samantha Engles was overheard assuring parents of the total safety of the campus while trying to keep a straight face. “Don’t worry, the areas to the west, south, and east of campus are completely safe,” Engles barely managed ...