WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004

February, 2023

• 15 February

  Study finds Poll Everywhere Questions Not To Be Answered Everywhere

  

  Freshman Isaac Fisher was baffled when he received an email accusing him of an academic integrity violation after completing his Chem 111A clicker questions. “Everywhere. It’s literally in the name. Poll Everywhere. Since when is the first floor of Dardick not a place? Make it make sense,” says Isaac, who ...
• 15 February

  Obituaries

  

  Hulk the Second from the Lopata House, Village, passed away on Tuesday, January 24, 2023. He was one month and seventeen days old.  Hulk was hatched from his aquatic egg sack in early December. At least, his owners hope so. Otherwise, he sat in that shit-filled Petco fish tank way ...
• 15 February

  Annual Letter from Your Midwestern Grandma

  Annual Letter from Your Midwestern Grandma   Dearest Eldest (or Blondest) Grandchild,  Seasonal greetings from [Insert region that begins with “Central”]. I rarely get to see you because your heretical parents keep you from me, and apparently, your generation does not “do” telegrams. As such, I will tell you about ...
• 15 February

  Little Asshole Thinks He’s Something Special

  

  Well, if it isn’t the belle of the ball.  In a stunning display of injustice, Mom and Dad–I mean someone else’s mom and dad–have lowered their standards for praise. Now, and here is the kicker, they haven’t lowered their standards for me, just my– I mean someone else’s–little brother. What’s ...
• 15 February

  Duck, Duck, Canada Goose: How to Spot Which Students Will Overpay for Your Shitty Weed

  

  Instagram – if they have any pictures from rooftop bars in Manhattan, they’re loaded and just smoking to look cool; slide in those DMs. Management 101 – Keep an eye out for any Armani suits. Actually, you can just keep an ear out. They will bring it up. Wallace Garage ...