WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Sources report that upon completing her final town hall in Iowa, Senator and presidential unreasonably hopeful Elizabeth Warren was seen putting her ‘FUCK IOWA’ bumper sticker back on her car.
“Jesus Christ, if I had to spend one more motherfucking minute in a dismal middle school auditorium with those fucking cornsucking assholes,” said Warren as she slammed down the back door of her Subaru Outback, “I was going to fucking throw myself under a god damn combine.”
“I founded the fucking CFPB, and here I am having a meet and greet with six local assholes in the coffee shop that passes for culture in their ratfuck little town. Fuck,” she grumbled, fixing her rearview mirror so as to better see the empty fields and lonesome Casey’s disappear into the background.
“Oh sure, they’re all fucking smiles and shit-eating grins and ‘ope excuse me,’ but you know those condescending assholes are so fucking smug to watch us bow and scrape once every four years. I was a fucking Harvard professor, assholes,” stated the former Harvard Professor, turning up her audiobook of The Help and rifling through her purse for a cough drop.
“I mean, seriously, what the fuck? Are we going to act like this isn’t all fucking bullshit? I fucking hate Iowa, riding high on their low cost of living and solid public education system. Those fucking pricks. ‘Oh look at me, I’m a dumb fucking Iowan and I live a life that can best be described as a 5/10,’ those fucking bastards.” The New England politician continued her profane rant for several hours, slamming the caucus system, the nickname “the Hawkeye State,” and even the state’s “obnoxious” shape. “Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, ‘cuz it’s not gonna last!,” Warren shouted, flipping off a cow disappearing behind the car’s back windows. “I swear to Christ, this shithole isn’t worth the delegates.”
“If I lose this shit, just fucking kill me, because I’m never going back to Iowa. I’m a fucking Senator.”
