WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Bringing together scholars of various faiths, religious leaders met at the Vatican last weekend to discuss a recently uncovered and highly controversial new text. The text was received by Umar ibn Qaboos, a Hanifi Islamic scholar from Oman. Sent from a girl named Emily, a companion of Qaboos’, the text simply read, “I miss you we should hang out.”
“The text confused and challenged everything I thought I understood,” said Qaboos, “Both in terms of my faith and my relationship with Emily. So I called a meeting of my fellow scholars so they could offer their interpretations.”
Discussion reportedly grew contentious as scholars debated the text and what it meant to their faiths.
“It certainly challenges the prevailing notion that Emily is interested in Lama Bamchoe Rinpoche,” said Thomas O’Flannery, a Catholic priest and religious studies professor at Trinity College in Dublin. “But only last week we found a text from Emily’s friend Natalie suggesting just that. God and girls work in equally mysterious ways.”
Others, like Shafi Muslim scholar Abbas al-Ramadi, take a different perspective. “We must consider the timing of the message,” said al-Ramadi, from al-Aqsa University in Egypt. “Ten PM is too early for a booty call, while still being just late enough to have a sexual connotation. Then there’s the time Qaboos and Emily drunkenly hooked up at Kappa Sig freshman year. That certainly complicates things.”
Shlomo Tayeb, an Orthodox Jewish scholar, has reportedly begun working on fitting this text into the larger Talmudic scholarship of other texts, such as “Hey do you want to get food?” and “Do you think the running club mixer will be chill?”
The scholarly conference is expected to run for weeks, as no consensus seems within reach. In the meantime, WUnderground reached out to Emily for comment.
“Yeah, I probably would have hooked up with him,” she said. “But now that he hasn’t texted me back for like 4 days I’m kind of not feeling it.”
