WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
A team of researchers from Washington University in St. Louis’s Earth and Planetary Sciences Department rocked the scientific community Monday when they announced the discovery of carbon-based life forms on the Fontbonne University campus.
The discovery came late Thursday evening when Sapphire, the 2.4 billion dollar robot sent to explore the desolate Fontbonne terrain, detected abnormally high levels of oxygen, water, and THC at the south end of the campus. Several hours of exploring eventually revealed the presence of 3 students, who had evidently been living curled up between a pile of rocks more than 5 feet below the earth’s surface.
“For years, Wash U students have gazed down Big Bend with wonder and asked ‘are we alone?'” said Head Researcher John Davis. “For the first time in history, we finally have the answer.”
The discovery has promoted an active level of dialogue among student groups, from campus Christians asking “Should we teach them to love God?” to fraternities asking “Should we rush them and teach them to love beer?”
University researchers hope that the findings will pave the way for future endeavors. “Now that we know there’s life on the Fontbonne campus, the possibilities are limitless” explained Davis. “Who knows? One day we might even discover intelligent life.”
