WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Following the successes of programs like WashU Wash and WaterDrop’d, the Skandalaris Center has elected to open yet another business directed towards its prime clientele, the children of the one percent. This new small business, known as “Sue the Poors”, will provide an indispensable service to WashU students, by opening defamation suits against those who unfairly and unjustly criticize such important and essential services as WashU Wash and WaterDrop’d.
“When I came to WashU, I couldn’t drink from the water fountains. That’s where the poor people get their water! Blech! And now I’m being called classist for using WaterDrop’d!” says first year econ student Brayden Carnegie, “But thanks to Sue the Poors, I don’t need Papa’s legal team to get rid of the haters. I can do it myself!”
“I don’t do laundry,” says sophomore dance major Kayla Walton. “I don’t have time for stuff like that. Laundry was the au pair’s job. Or was it the butler? Or the maid? Maybe the groundskeeper?”
Kayla then went on to list people in her parents’ employment for about thirty minutes.
“But I shouldn’t be discriminated against for using WashU Wash! It’s basically a disability service! That’s why I need Sue the Poors!”
Sue the Poors has already caused seven student defendants to drop out of the university for defaulting on their tuition payments. The Skandalaris center considers this a rousing success in the name of small business.
“The success of Sue the Poors is unprecedented,” says Skandalaris faculty member Jeff Portillo. “Not only have we made a buttload of money, but we’ve also repossessed a three bedroom house, a 2004 Honda Oddysey, and someone’s dog! And the fact that this is a small business means that we’re definitely doing the right thing here. We’ve always been on the side of the little guy. That’s why programs like Sue the Poors are so important to us.”
