Social Justice Warrior Searching For More Reasons to Boycott Class

After the April 14th walkout in support of adjunct professors was cancelled due to an agreement between the administration and employees, social justice warrior Bryan Bergson is now searching for additional reasons to boycott class.

“What happened on this campus on April 14th was an outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As student activists, we demand the right to parade around campus, get “arrested” by WUPD, or pitch heated tents outside of Brookings so that we can be featured in a StudLife article. But by fairly agreeing to wage increases for adjunct professors, Washington University is denying our right to shirk our academic responsibilities.”

As a response, Bergson has pooled together a cohort of his fellow warriors to brainstorm what social ill they can rid the university of next. Notable suggestions included protesting Forsyth’s sidewalk’s oppressive segregation between pedestrians and bikers, replacing the beige-colored bandaids at SHS, and capping the level of cat piss at 15% in the school’s coffee.

Bergson’s passion has clearly been felt by those in his proximity. His roommate, Jesse Goldberg, has noticed a marked change in Bergson’s behavior over the past couple weeks.

“Since he found out walkouts are a thing, there’s been a light in his eyes that I’ve never seen there before. It’s remarkable how one event can completely change one’s outlook. Bryan is such a devoted activist now. It’s really inspiring.”

Many students are skeptical of whether Bergson’s calls for action are just a cheap way to play hooky. When pressed about this, he said, “If you know about these issues and do not care to raise your voice, you are a scumbag. Just as Shakespeare once said, ‘The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality’.”

As a result of Bergson’s mobilization, the university has been put in a bind by the demands of the growing number of social justice warriors.

“While we’re visibly an educational institution, we’re a business first and foremost,” said Maryann Blair of the Office of Student Affairs. “The students are our customers and their voices are paramount. If they believe in the value of boycotting class to support causes, we need to support them. That’s why we’re going to wait on correcting other existing inequities like campus racism, sexism, socioeconomic privilege to give students future excuses to miss class.”

As of press time, all ten of Bergson’s absences from Writing I are still unexcused.