WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In an attempt to qualify for the third democratic debate, set to air on September 12th on ABC, ten struggling democratic candidates have combined forces by merging into one super-candidate, an amorphous blob reportedly weighing 1,500 pounds.
The super-candidate, which formerly inhabited the individual bodies of Kirsten Gillibrand, Tom Steyer, Steve Bullock, Marianne Williamson, Michael Bennet, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, and Joe Sestak, will heretofore be known as Kirstockianne de Baloney-stak.
“EEEEEKKZZKKGGG,” said Baloney-stak, formally announcing its rejuvenated candidacy in front of a cowering crowd of dozens.
Baloney-stak has the strength of 10 men, the speed of 6 men, and the ability to shoot laser beams from its eyes.
Some critics have called Baloney-stak a freak of nature, a Frankenstein’s monster, and a repudiation of all that is good and holy in the world.
“OH GOD, MY EYES!!!” remarked Mayor Pete Buttigieg, when approached for comment.
Supporters, meanwhile, have lauded the gruesome metamorphosis as a welcome display of compromise in an increasingly divided country. Baloney-stak simultaneously supports universal healthcare and thinks it is bogus, a position which is projected to earn voter support in Rust Belt states like Michigan and Pennsylvania.
In addition, since Baloney-stak is from New York, Colorado, Montana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, and Texas all at the same time, in addition to being both male and female, supporters argue that it can appeal to voters of all demographics — except for non-white voters, of course.
Editor’s Note: As of Wednesday, August 28th, Kirstockianne de Baloney-stak was still polling at <1%, and has thus been disqualified from attending the third democratic debate.
