WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Returning to his apartment on the Loop after a late night study session, junior Matt Smith was carjacked at gunpoint last Saturday night. The thief made off with Smith’s 2012 Range Rover, iPhone 6S Plus, wallet, and backpack containing his laptop and binder. The total value of stolen goods is estimated to be around $20,500, plus nearly 35 hours of coursework.
“All I remember was a guy running up to me with a gun demanding my keys,” a visibly shaken Smith reported. “But fuck the car, they took my orgo homework that’s due tomorrow! That assignment took me hours! Do you know how much this will affect my study time? First that woman at Whispers took forever to make my damn latte, and now my homework is gone!”
Though University City Police have a high rate of success returning stolen goods, the process often takes weeks. Unfortunately for Smith and other victims, chemistry department policy does not permit late assignments. Extensions will only be granted, according to the department handbook, “in cases of genocide, destabilization of the US government, or the death of an immediate family member.”
“We’d need, at the very least, a signed note from the carjacker,” said Smith’s orgo professor, Dr. Venkataraman, “as well as two copies of a guilty plea, a notarized sentencing document, and a recent set of fingerprints.”
The Loop typically experiences an uptick in crime when the weather improves. In an email to Lofts residents, WUPD offered some safety tips to prevent similar cases.
“Always keep a remote backup copy of your homework in case of theft,” the document read. Other suggestions included copying work from friends, never leaving campus, or making use of backfiles in case of an emergency.
WUPD asked students with any information on the burglar, described by Smith as “five-foot-ten, slender, and a fucking dead man if this affects my med school applications,” to send tips to their hotline. Further, if anyone has the answer to number 10, please contact Mark at 541-231-2459.
