WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
“I just wanted to throw in a fat hogger,” complained Alpha Phi sister Ainsley Ambrose after she
was expelled from chapter for pulling out a tin of Grizzly. Ainsley’s incident is the latest in a
string of conflicts that have arisen from the WashU sorority’s recent dipping ban. Alpha Phi
national representative Brooke Sinclair explained to WUnderground that “while every sister may
enjoy a good diggie now and then, we can’t have our girls showing visible lipskis on Instagram.
Something had to be done.”
The controversy started after sister Ingram Garrett spent the sorority’s entire Red Dress Gala
with an obtrusively large lip burger bulging out of her otherwise flawless complexion. The
resulting photos of Ingram outraged Alpha Phi alumni, who threatened to cut off donations if
they kept seeing sisters with fat lips.
Garratt admitted that “things got a little out of hand that night,” and that usually she tries to keep
it classy by spitting her lobs into her Hydro Flask. Ambrose was reflective as well: “I’m not, like,
always so public about sticking in a chuddy. Most chapters, I’m more lowkey about it and just
sneak out for a spanish quickie.”
However, Alpha Phi’s clampdown on hogs has advanced beyond moderation. Leadership also
found that chaw-themed paraphernalia like Packin Chews and Bangin’ Jews MacBook stickers
did not align with chapter values. As Ambrose said, “their motives are good, but their methods
are downright totalitarian.”
Sister Morgan Niles told WUnderground, “I honestly don’t know how long it will be until chews
are once again welcome in this sorority.” The only speculation she could offer was an ominous
declaration that “the chawshank redemption is coming.”
