WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Well it’s that time of year again: porno awards season! Hollywood is abuzz with buzz, and critics are slurping up films like particularly delicious semen. Female pornstars are dressing up real nice, and male pornstars are showing off their finest designer assless chaps. Redheaded pornstars finally get to walk down a carpet that matches the drapes. Here are some of the performances and pornos that will double-penetrate their way into your heart this February.
Best Actor:
Rod P. Thrust turned in a chilling performance in Cocksaw Ridge, and William Greengooch Elliot thrust his way to the A-List in the sci-fi smash The Man With Two Dicks, One is 12 Inches and One is 4.5 Inches, but no one’s beating off Henry Longfellow, who earned universal acclaim for his complex portrayal of Ken Bone, in Ken Bone: American Stud: Stars and Stripes: A True Hero.
Best Actress:
This category is femDOMINATED by performances in Indie cinema this year. Candy Clitoria showed off her vulnerable side in Manchester by the Penis, Anna L. Applebottom displayed her acting chops, in addition to all her holes, in Arrival, and Jessica “Tits” McGee exhibited her ability to please both men and women in Sluts Love Facials 5. This category, like “Tits” McGee, could go either way.
Best Cinematography:
This one is a tough field with a lot of qualified entries. We’re gonna have to go for Patrick McCock for his work on La La Les. Make sure to keep an eye out for Patrick McCock for his work on La La Les.
Best Porno:
This one isn’t even a contest. Every critic agrees that Poonlight is the best, most subtle, best porno of the decade. No condoms were involved in its production, but it’s definitely a Magnum opus.
