WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
10. Most people fall into a life of crime because they had a poor education. Ask suspicious persons what Atticus Finch represents about the American spirit.
9. Never leave your room.
8. Try to avoid displays of wealth, like wearing ashy jewelry and attend- ing a school that costs more than the US median household income.
7. Explain to the mugger that your phone is only an iPhone 4S, so it’s a worthless piece of crap right now.
6. Remember that your money isn’t worth your life. Then forget it and work a miserable job for the next fty years.
5. If you are accosted by a mugger, run to the nearest blue light phone. It will ensure that your body is easy to find.
4. If Omar comin’, y’all best just drop the stash.
3. Don’t commit crimes.
2. In most cases of sexual assault, the victim knows the attacker, so don’t make any friends.
1. Throw a party; the police will show up immediately
