WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
This morning, the WashU College Republicans announced that they are commencing a full-out invasion of the State of Afghanistan. This news comes after the US recently pulled all troops out of Kabul in August, and after failing to do so in July, and after failing to do so in June, and after failing to do so in May. The College Republicans are asking SU for $715 billion in funding for the upcoming academic year.
“We were honestly surprised the university approved this so quickly,” one member told WUnderground. “We told them we would be working to provide new study abroad programs to the school, as well as some promising internships at Boeing to McKelvey students.”
“At first the administration seemed apprehensive,” they continued, “but once we reminded them that they could give us money from the Mental Health Fund, they were all ears.”
President Joe Biden released this statement following the news of the College Republicans’ shocking declaration of war:
“Look, nobody at intelligence really expected twelve angry Mormons and the guy we all know orders rare La Croix flavors on Amazon to invade a country, but the free exchange of ideas is central to a vibrant university. It is a hallmark of an academic community, and it is imperative that everyone here is able to express their views in a respectful environment.”
According to an anonymous source close to him, Chancellor Martin has no plan to release a statement. They also plead that if he does, not to bother reading it anyway.
The College Republicans are also reportedly exploring an initiative that would privatize the campus shuttle system.
