WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
WashU has recently come under fire for gentrifying the “East End,” a culturally vibrant hole with a storied history of being big.
Many residents of the hole have been priced out of the neighborhood and forced to relocate. Critics are castigating WashU for displacing hundreds of dirt particles, part-time construction workers, and big trucks that go “ERR-ERRRRRR EEEEEEE” in the morning.
In their place, WashU has erected the Craig and Nancy Schnucks Pavilion, a cafeteria which serves upscale foods like an avocado salmon burger and a kale sandwich or some shit, and the Gary M. Sumers Welcome Center, where prospective students can observe beautiful architecture through plate glass windows and cower before the magnificence of the Brookings Quadrangle.
WashU has also announced plans to introduce an Amazon Bookstore, three boutique donut shops, and an artisanal soap dispensary.
“We’ve been priced out of the neighborhood,” remarked a sentient bulldozer, “this place just isn’t the same hole where I raised my children. That hole had class. That hole had culture.”
“There’s enough paved pathway on this campus already. Can’t they make room for just ONE desolate construction site?,” Mr. Bulldozer added.
“It’s an absolute disgrace,” said Michael Ellis, a woke campus activist who totally buys SchPav’s cold brews. “I am so very angry.
In response to such criticism, Chancellor Martin has announced plans to buy Fontbonne and demolish it with 100 tons of TNT, thereby creating a new and improved hole, even more desolate than its predecessor.
Still, some less privileged members of the WashU community are voicing concern that gentrification will not stop with the East End. Yesterday, the hair creature in the Beaumont shower drain voiced concern that “the yuppies are coming for his home next.”
