WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In a joint statement made on Sunday, WashU Information Technology Services
and WUPD announced that students will now be required to use WashU 2FA (two-factor authentication) when accessing WUSTL websites and buildings.
In addition to swiping their plastics—WashUID, not Amex—students must scan their Canada goose emblem against a biometric scanner equipped with NASA pattern-recognition technology in order to gain access to most WashU buildings. Critical systems, including WebSTAC, Canvas, Bird e-scooters, and the solar system will no longer work unless students can prove their coastal elitism using WashU 2FA.
If a student cannot produce the proper goose documentation, 2FA accepts the following alternative methods of identification:
– DNA sample procured from earwax encrusted airpod
– Paternity test verifying that your daddy’s name is on the building
If you have already enrolled in WashU 2FA, no action is required. This new security measure will not affect students who have already conformed to the crippling societal pressure to buy a $995.00 canvas sex-magnet. Max Dingleberry, head of the University Security Division, has neither confirmed nor denied allegations that the new system reflects a desire to “weed out the Patagonia riff-raff.”
Though largely successful, WUPD has noted one minor glitch the new security system: the 2-factor authentication prevents EMS and WUPD themselves from accessing dormitory buildings. Their badges are not currently recognized by WashU 2FA, and the university’s budgeting committee has not yet responded to their requests to upgrade their winter uniforms to Canada Goose apparel. In response to concerns over this slight complication, Dingleberry assured students that the system will remain in place despite any “hiccups,” referencing the potential that 2FA would make buildings inaccessible to “himself, his team of safety enforcers, and, of course, the poors.”
If you have not enrolled in WashU 2FA, please visit the WashU 2FA website to enroll and retain remote access to WUSTL Key protected systems.
