WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In an effort to take advantage of the beautiful spring blooms across campus, WashU’s PR Department is encouraging all attractive minority students to do their homework together, preferably in the vicinity of colorful flora during daylight hours. In a press release, the department called for every study group to contain at least one member of African American, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, and Arab heritage. Further, groups were instructed to frequently smile and laugh as they work.
“The PR Department, you know, just wants to do its part to increase the campus’s diversity,” said Communications Director Marvin Swanson. “If, hypothetically, we took the occasional photo of a diverse study group, maybe photoshopped it just a touch, and put the finished product in an admission brochure, what would be so wrong with that?”
To incentivize these diversity efforts, the PR Department is strategically placing boxes of free pizza in the vicinity of newly budding trees and flowers labeled “For attractive minorities only. Don’t look at the cameras. Just only look at each other, or into space. But whatever you do, look like normal college kids who came together organically”
“College kids love free pizza,” said Swanson. “It’s just another way for us to create a welcoming atmosphere like we always do at WashU. Except this time, it’s welcoming for minorities! Only attractive ones, though.”
As the recent announcement has received unanimous praise from attractive minority students, critics certainly remain among the rest of the student body.
“Minorities have it so good nowadays,” said white student James McCarron. “They get affirmative action, a black president, the ability to read the “secret menu” at Chinese restaurants, and now this?!?! I’d trade my virtually invincible legal status for free pizza any day!”
At press time, photographers were seen waiting for an attractive Native American-looking student to join a study group sharing a pizza under some cherry blossoms.
