WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
As the weather begins to dip into a chilly Midwestern 45, seasonal depression is starting
to consume WashU’s exhausted student body. In the long lines of Cherry Tree, students can be seen sipping watered down coffee murk in between “eye rests.” One student can be seen on the brink of starvation after spending all their meal points. Insults are thrown and conflict arises, the winter hunger and BD scraps start to run thin.
Students can be heard debating who is the most depressed. Many would argue that the pre-med kids are the most tired due to their crippling anxiety of getting into medical school. Students have reported the MCAT haunting them as well as their GPA. Further, the pre-med bears have been reporting nightmares of dying alone after dedicating their entire life to studying and school. One student was quoted saying that he is every Jewish mother’s dream but can’t seem to make the time to take a date to Salt and Smoke. While the pre-meds have it bad, there is banter from Sam Fox as well. Students in between their “color by number” and “stick figure 101” classes claim that they are the most deprived. Architecture students were forced to stay up past their 9:30 bedtime to finish in the woodshop.
While students may be suffering from depression, crippling student debt, and starvation, many students have decided to combat their struggles with napping. It’s important to explore all of the phenomenal WashU nap spots. A personal favorite is right in the middle of Bandy’s Intro to Micro but, for a less taboo snooze, consider sleeping on one of the $2500 Brookings lawn chairs. A personal favorite nap spot is in one of the BD retro booths. It is normally quiet unless one of the business frat pledges is forced to make a scene during their hazing ritual.
Here at WashU, the depression olympics are in full swing. While we may be D3, nobody beats us in these games! Taking the gold medal will be the frat members who sleep peacefully each night after their sports business midterm. While they may have been weird in high school, they have nothing but a subpar social life and a booming sleep schedule here in St. Louis.
