WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
According to the CDC, nearly 4 million babies are born every year in the U.S. That’s nearly three times the size of the U.S. military. However, this high birth rate means little to nothing considering how weak, dumb, and wrinkly the vast majority of babies are. But what if we had a way to get in on this vault of untapped potential – some kind of training that could make newborns a bit more, well, useful? American babies could be unstoppable; the kind of unstoppable that threatens the immovable. To test our theory, we hijacked the Barnes Jewish Maternity Ward and brought in an expert – the Boss Baby himself – to whip the newbies into shape.
New mothers, new fathers, and medical professionals alike were terrified as we locked them out of the nursery housing their children/patients. We thought telling them “it’s for the greater good” would help, but if anything that made the situation worse. After some struggling, we were finally able to barricade them in a nearby birthing room, and it was time to bring in the man himself.
The Boss Baby strutted into the nursery at sunrise with the confidence of the American military invading a small subaltern nation. He was ready for business; tiny hairs slicked back, suit perfectly pressed, and black coffee in hand. With a snap of his fingers, a sea of other suited-up infants waddled into the room with racks of Brooks Brothers’ finest. In minutes, the entire nursery of newborns was in perfectly-tailored suits.
By noon, the newborns had shifted from lounging lazily in their cribs to sashaying up and down the halls of the maternity ward in full business attire. They spoke in full sentences with perfect grammar, some even in multiple languages, telling each other that they would “circle back” or “touch base” soon.
“They grow up so fast,” the Boss Baby sighed from the corner of the room during lunch, a single tear rolling down his soft chubby cheek.
The afternoon was dedicated to professional development. Each newborn was gifted “Baby’s First Macbook” due to the Boss Baby’s partnership with Apple, and they were proficient in Excel within an hour. Then, each baby started piecing together their resume and LinkedIn profile. As we walked around the room, we were amazed to see that many of the infants had already hit 500+ connections due to the extensive Baby Corp network.
At the end of the bootcamp, we reunited the newborns with their families. Once the shock of the transformation wore off, many were pleased with the results.
“Honestly, this is a huge relief to my wife and I. We’re so deep in debt from our student loans, we didn’t know how we’d be able to afford providing for Alex,” said David Higgins, father of newborn #8. “Thanks to the Boss Baby and WUnderground, he’s actually helping to provide for us. CitiBank hired him in an entry-level position a few minutes ago. Crazy right? I just wish he’d stop calling me Dave.”
The St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department arrested us shortly after we unlocked the maternity ward, but in the car ride to the station we used our final moments to ask the Boss Baby how he felt about his success.
“It’s what I do,” he chuckled. “I’m the boss, baby.”
The Boss Baby is out on bail, but we are not. Please donate to our GoFundMe.
