WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response to low approval ratings not seen since Wrighton’s botched handling of the 2011 Jello Cup Incident.
Though he also announced an expansion to the work-study program in which students can clean his house for minimum wage, Wrighton has received the most positive press for his announcement of a plan to raise wages for adjunct professors.
“We realize that the current salary of one loaf of bread a week isn’t competitive enough to keep our adjuncts here at WashU,” said Wrighton. “When you have other top-20 universities offering two, three pieces of bread a week, some even with a chunk of dried meat? Well, you can see why we needed to change.”
Wrighton also announced a nearly $250 renovation project to improve the cardboard box that the adjunct professors currently call home. “We hope to add another six or eight square feet to accommodate our growing adjunct staff,” explained Wrighton, drawing the loudest applause of the event. “That will use up most of the budget, but we may have some money left over to cover the top of the box with Saran Wrap. Not the name brand stuff of course, but something almost as good.”
WUnderground reached out to Hallie Weinstein, a sophomore majoring in economics, to analyze Wrighton’s claims. “While the current adjunct salary is about 80 percent below market rates,” Weinstein said, before being shot in the neck with a tranquilizer and taken away by three men in suits.
Later attempts to get in touch with Weinstein were complicated by the administration’s insistence that she has never existed. Reporters were unable to reach her due to the recent deletion of her Facebook, Instagram, and even the J-Date profile she made “ironically.” Four other students, all of whom had attempted to speak out against Wrighton, have also been reported missing since the press conference.
Despite these concerning developments, Wrighton did face some continued criticism, specifically because he did not discuss plans to raise the adjuncts’ holiday bonus.
“It’s really an issue of the economy,” Wrighton responded. “We do our best to give the adjuncts as much of my leftover Thanksgiving dinner as we possibly can, but how much my family eats is simply not a variable we can control, at least not for the foreseeable future.”
