WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
Whether you’re a First Year panicking because you haven’t been to Macro all semester, or a Senior desperately trying to convince yourself grades don’t matter at this point, finals can be a stressful time. Just breathe. No, not like that, slower. Jesus, not that slow. The point is, WUnderground has you covered with this simple guide to finals week.
Make Use of Reading Week
Unlike your dipshit high school friends at Columbia, WashU is kind enough to give its students a full two days off to prepare for finals. The key to finals success is taking advantage of this precious time. However, studies show that balancing work with relaxation is never a bad thing, so using this time to go on a party bus or two wouldn’t hurt. Also, have you seen The West Wing? Oh, dude, it’s so good, and it’s only like 9 seasons. Aaron Sorkin is a genius. Oh Jesus it’s Wednesday already??? Fuck fuck fuck fuck ok ok stay calm this is still salvagable.
Break Up Your Workload
So Reading Week might have been a wash, but that’s in the past, and you—you’re a futurist. To keep a level head, try breaking your work up into manageable chunks. Study for one final on Wednesday, leaving enough time in the afternoon to start a West Wing message board. Then, on Thursday, study for your remaining four finals. You’re almost there!
Stay Calm
Jesus fucking christ, just drop out. It’s over man. Vocational schools are a better bargain anyway. You don’t even need to tell your parents. Just pack up your shit and walk West until you hit the goddamn sea.
Scream Desperately, Soundlessly Into the Void
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Oh, wow, that really helped. Definitely do this one. Mental note. Back on track.
Stay Calm
Okay. You’re fine. Yes. It’s okay and you’re fine. Just stay calm and stick to the original strategy.
Work Smarter, Not Harder
Remember, sometimes the most effective way to get stuff done is also the most efficient. Remember how Rob Lowe’s character on The West Wing, Deputy Director of Communications Sam Seaborn, kind of seemed like a total fuckup at first, but actually turned out to be pretty competent at his job, even though he was putting in less hours than the rest of the staff and Jesus Fucking Christ its Saturday already.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Hit Up Your Friend with ADHD and Questionable Morals
A lot of people tend to look down on the use of “study drugs,” but the fact of the matter is, half the campus is using them and you’ve gotta stay competitive if you want that sweet, sweet curve. With a controlled dose of adderall, you can keep your mind sharp and focused. And according to this encyclopedia I’ve been reading in the B Stacks for 3 hours, Adderall is a combination medication containing four salts of amphetamine and is used in the treatment of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and narcolepsy it is also used as an athletic performance enhancer and cognitive enhancer, and recreationally as an aphrodisiac and euphoriant and is a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant of the phenethylamine class. By salt content, the active ingredients are 25% levoamphetamine salts (the levorotatory or ‘left-handed’ enantiomer) and 75% dextroamphetamine salts (the dextrorotatory or ‘right-handed’ enantiomer). Adderall is generally well-tolerated and effective in treating…
STUDY STUDY STUDY
Let’s go let’s go let’s GO!!!! You’ve got 3 exams tomorrow, and it’s fucking CRUNCH TIME. You’ve got your friend’s indecipherable macro notes, half of one personal study guide, and the whole internet at your disposal. There is no time for bathroom breaks or food. AAAAHHH!!!! You are pulling a pure all-nighter, a pure all-nighter, a pure all-nighter. That adderall is really something SPECIAL. Fuck!! Okay. Time to shine. An exchange rate is the value of a country’s currency vs. that of another country. BOOM!! Look at all that studying you’re doing. You’re a fucking white knight, a modern-day Hercules, a Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Allow yourself two five-minute crying breaks and push through until dawn.
Take the Test
Always guess ‘B’ on the ones you don’t know. Unless there are too many ‘B’s. Then guess ‘C’.
Protect Your Reputation by Telling Everyone You Barely Even Studied
It’s perfect. That way if you get a good grade, people will think you’re a genius, and if you get a bad grade, no one will judge you. Never mind the fact that you easily could have studied more, and you are a complete jackass for not doing so. As long as your friends think you’re a laid-back dude who doesn’t take school too seriously, this whole episode was a win.
