WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
WUPD’s new drug-sniffing dogs had barely been on campus for a week when they were pulled from duty, with WUPD citing “inaccuracy” as the main factor in their removal. To the officers’ disbelief, the dogs instantly tried to go to frat row. At first the police laughed it off and attempted to pull the dogs away, thinking they were distracted by the joyful, boyish laughter and camaraderie emanating from inside the fraternity walls. But the dogs persisted, dragging the police to the door and beginning to bark.
“Well, that was when I dug in my heels,” the WUPD officer told me. “I was not going to intrude on those innocent, wholesome boys.”
His partner agreed: “That’s when I knew we had to get rid of these defunct dogs. Honestly, if it was up to me, I’d send them to the pound. Accusing our red-blooded, patriotic fraternity brothers of such horrible offenses…” At this point in the conversation, the officer grew tearful, and we had to take a short break.
The next day, the dogs again headed straight for Sigma Epsilon, where a “non-disruptive, pleasant gathering” was held the previous night; the dogs went wild on the frat’s doorstep.
They spoke to a brother who answered the door. “He was lovely, handsome, and charming, with captivating eyes and a voice like smooth chocolate,” The cops reported. “He’d even given blood the night before– you could see the puncture wounds on his arm. Just an all-around good person.”
“It’s frustrating. There are so many problems on this campus, and the tools we’re being given to solve them are pointing us in the wrong direction. I don’t want to get political, but in my opinion, this is the fault of the cultural marxists.” The officer did not elaborate.
The dogs are trained to detect a spectrum of drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, and methamphetamines. I asked if they could smell date rape drugs such as rohypnol. “Oh, no, thank god. Don’t put that in the article,” one officer said.
