WUSA Drops Out of School to Pursue Culinary Ambitions

This week sophomore Jessica Abrams has officially declared to her friends and family that she will no longer be attending Wash U. Abrams explained her departure in an emotional facebook post: “Dearest friends and loved ones. It fills me with great excitement to say that I am heading on to bigger and better things. As many of you know this year I became a WUSA for Dardick 4 and in my few weeks as such I have realized my true calling. Baking.”

Despite the rigors and pressure of a professional kitchen, Abrams believes she’s up for the challenge. When our reporters arrived to her dorm room in Elliot, Abrams was hard at work over her Easy Bake oven, putting the finishing touches on stirring around a bowl of Funfetti mix.

“Over the past month, I’ve made about 6 Funfetti cakes for my WUSA floor. The first two were a little undercooked, but I’ve been tinkering around with different types of Sprite, and I think I’ve finally nailed it!” She revealed that Sprite Zero was the key ingredient.

Later during the interview, Abrams told us that leaving Wash U was one of the “hardest decisions of [her] life,” but in the end, she had no choice but to follow her “passion” and “natural gift”. Through her three weeks making cakes from box mix and soda she feels that everyone will love her cooking as much as her constantly stress eating residents do.

Abrams also commented that she knows her residents will be crushed, to which Dardick 4 freshman Lenny Burns responded, “Jessica who? Oh the chick who brings cakes? Yeah I guess she’s cool.”

As of press time, the Student Health Services has noticed an uptick in cases of salmonella poisoning due to undercooked food.