WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
In a shocking turn of events, the student body received notice that their own governing body is bankrupt. In a tearful speech to students, Student Union Finance Chief Janet Yellenberg announced that the school no longer has the funds to support nonessential student organizations such as Uncle Joe’s and EST, deciding instead to allocate the remaining cash to the WashU butter churning club. Health and Wellness chair Riley Francis Kessley Jr. said, “We are putting our full faith in the power of unpasteurized buttermilk and removed additives on the student Body.”
As students grapple with the news, many have reported interesting Instagram DMs slamming their inboxes:
“Hey there, classy lady!🕴I’m Janet, an easygoing, ambitious, and nonchalant Finance Chief of Student Union who knows what she wants in life. I’m looking for a sophisticated, generous, and kind-hearted benefactor to share good vibes and mutual support. In return, you’ll get engaging conversations, loyalty, and plenty of appreciation for your generosity. I’m hoping for 💵 financial support for my goals (and maybe a few indulgences 😉) mutual respect and understanding✨ and someone who enjoys the finer things in life
If this sounds like you, let’s connect! Shoot me a DM, we will be a match made in luxury. 💌
Stay fabulous,
Janet Yellenberg”
Nearly the entire portion of the senior class with upcoming investment banking jobs received the message this week alone. Our reporters overheard senior member of the Beta Theta Pi Fraternity Brad Bradey commenting unprompted, “Yo, I deadass would be so down to be a sugar daddy. I’ve got W rizz and Janet Yellenberg can most definitely hit.”
Now, with no funds left and all of their money in dairy creation, Student Union is relying on their prospective sugar parents and guardians to keep the governing body afloat. One might say they’re putting all their eggs in one basket, that they might have benefitted from some separation of flours, or that they’re cooked.
***payments can be made in Bear Bucks or raw butter
